Solitude
by abilityPOINT
Summary: -Songfic, Oneshot- Lavi thinks about his relationship with Lenalee. -Implied AllenxLenalee and MirandaxMarie. LavixLenalee-


**Solitude**

Lavi x Lenalee songfic.

_Disclaimer : I do not own Solitude, it belongs to Evanescence. DGray-man belongs to Hoshino Katsura. _

**Author's note:**

For the first line, I am going to change the lyric of the song to 'How many times have you told me you love _him_?' and not _'her_?'  
Wishing that Hoshino Katsura will get well soon :D

I recently bought the Evanescence album and it had a lyric sheet in it, after I read it I started screaming that this would be the perfect material for a Lavi x Lenalee fic (currently addicted to it). xD

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* * *

How many times have you told me you love her?  
__As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth.  
__How long have I stood here beside you?  
__I lived through you, you looked through me_

I thought I would have seen it coming, but it still came as a shock to me. Perhaps it was because some selfish part of my soul was trying to persuade itself that Komui would never allow it, perhaps it was because I still believed that I had a chance to be with her.

Then it happened; one day Komui called a meeting of all the members of the Science Department and all the Exorcists. He said he had something to announce to all of us. That was when I realised that Lenalee's heart had been taken.

_"Lenalee, my darling sister, has announced her engagement to Allen Walker._" Komui smiled as he looked at all of us. I struggled to keep my nonchalant face as the truth sank in.

She had told me about her engagement to Allen, of course. I wished I could actually tell her what I was feeling, all the envy, jealousy. I wished I could tell her exactly how much I still loved her.

It didn't seem fair to me; I had known Lenalee since I came into the Order, and that was saying something. While Allen... Allen had only been with us for a few months, perhaps a year.

It seemed like my reason for living had disappeared in a flash, and that I was just living for the sake of living. It was quite obvious that she had always forgotten me, always looked through me. All her eyes were for Allen.

_Ooh, Solitude  
__Still with me is only you  
__Ooh, Solitude  
__I can't stay away from you_

After I learnt of their engagement, I tried my best to keep away from Lenalee. Not that it really helped. Somehow I would just find myself pacing the corridors near her room, or walking by Komui's office whenever I knew she was inside.

_How many times have I done this to myself?  
__How long will it take before I see?  
__When will this hole in my heart be mended?  
__Who now is left alone but me?_

It was the bitter truth, I guess. I had tried to persuade myself that she was never mine and would never be. Yet I couldn't let go of the fact that she didn't love me. I wondered when I would really realise that I would never be with her. After all, I was a Bookman. I wasn't supposed to have feelings. After she returned from the battle with Eishi, I had found out that feelings were still a part of me.

It seemed like I was the only one who didn't have a soulmate. Miranda and Marie had gotten attached a few months ago, Krory had found someone, don't ask me who... and Yu... Yu _didn't_ show his feelings. He would make a better Bookman than me.

_Ooh, Solitude  
__Forever me and forever you  
__Ooh, Solitude  
__Only you, Only true_

Of course, the Science Department _had_ tried to set me up on blind dates, but they had never worked out. I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the only one I would _ever_ give my heart to was Lenalee. It was either both of us or just me alone. In this case, it had turned out to be the latter.

_Everyone leaves me stranded,  
__forgotten, abandoned  
__Left behind  
__I can't stay here another night_

The Black Order was full of celebrations. Allen had announced his wedding to Lenalee and they were all over the place looking for materials. For once, the place seemed unusually noisy as people rushed here and there, looking for streamers. Of course, I helped. Wouldn't it have looked bad otherwise? But inside, my heart was screaming.

Should I have just left? It wasn't like anybody would notice. They would be all busy celebrating with the couple, and I didn't think that my absence would be missed.

_Your secret admirer, who could it be?_

There had been a time when she had told me that she'd received some anonymous letters telling her how adorable and charming she was. That was two years ago, when Yu had gone off on a mission. I think that she might have thought that it was Yu who wrote it; little did she know that it was_ me_ who had sent them.

_Ooh, Can't you see all along it was me?  
__How can you be so blind as to see right through me?_

Lenalee... you saw through everybody, but did you ever realise that I loved you? Did you ever realise that all the times I was protecting you, I was trying to make you notice me? I never heard you say thank you to me before. I wish I could hear you say that now. I wonder what you see in Allen. Sure, he's cute and all, but he puts his life on the line for really trivial matters.

_And Ooh, Solitude  
__Still with me is only you  
__Ooh, solitude  
__I can't stay away from you_

I wish I could just run away from the Black Order, run away from the truth. But my heart refused to budge, it refused to let me leave Lenalee.

_And ooh, Solitude  
__Forever me and forever you  
__Ooh, Solitude  
__Only you, Only true _

Lenalee, do you really just treat me as a friend? Or even worse, _a Bookman_?

I guess that you just think of me as a friend. I would never be anything higher than that to you. Lenalee, I love you. I promise, Lenalee, that whatever I do, will be for you. My heart will only listen to you.

* * *

**FIN.**

", Review.


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